not just yet.

Today I was given the gift of relation. I was able to see within another person my own self, and in doing so, I was comforted. It is rare that a person can see the perfect image of themselves in another's words, but in this particular situation, I was clear. Every doubt, every fear, every hope. Within this person I saw what I had once been, and ideally, what I could eventually be. As a result, I am certain that today's intellectual perspective has been the result of my current psychosis.

After sleeping for a mere hour and a half, I awoke to a new world. The day was cool, my tempermant was surprisingly mild for having slept so little, and the world was beautiful again. Then within the first few hours of wake, I encountered my first subconscious test, which was flawlessly surpassed by all involved, and left me with a feeling of utter gratitude. Not only had I proven myself wrong, for the negative, but those dear to me proved me wrong as well, but for the positive. Then, as I ventured toward the black hole that has become my institution, with one of very few people I consider dear to me, I found solace in her enlightenment. Feelings which I had been fearing for nearly two months now were reflected in her own thought process and it felt wonderful to know that my best friend was feeling that way too. In many ways I have relied upon her for comfort, and in this instance especially, she has been the support I needed.

Later, as I battled the onset of note-taking stupor, I felt a tingle in my fingertips that was all too familiar. The tingle progressed into a restlessness in my hands, and eventually an ache in my heart. Usual side effects of days possessing such beauty, I found myself with a pen in hand and a drawing on the page in front of me. To some the process may seem so menial in the scope of experiences, but it is one which is in a universe entirely it's own. When a drawing that is meant to protrude from you, it will, and it had been one that I had resisted for days. I was finally in a place that I could see the piece, and it was so. Instances like this are when I am most myself, when I see the most clear.

After leaving the newly found place of creativity, I ventured toward a place that had once been the pinacle of success. It had been the epitome of my hardwork and often served as the sword with which I took what I sought...my old office. There, within a freshly sparked kinship, I saw the aforementioned reflection. It was in that person that I was given sight and justification for each preceding feeling. The newly found confidence I had awoken with was suddenly deserved and never before had I been so sure of the path that I had take toward becoming myself. I was also more sure than I had ever hoped to be about my future in writing. I plan to write a 3 part series pinnacling my life and the events which served as landmarks in my journey. For those who have read any of David Sedaris' many works, one may have a slight understanding of what is to come. Sadly that is the only prelude which I can provide at the moment, seeing as I have yet to start and have no real idea of what is substantial and what is necessary.

With that I will conclude my midday update and simply write what I had realized last night during my slumberless attempt at rest...

"I could never draw all of these beautiful feelings, but I could spend my whole life trying."

"I feel most beautiful when I am singing, most peaceful when I am drawing, and most honest when I am writing."

oh, oh, oh boy.

I've come to yet another realization...my best moments are hidden within my most random of thoughts. So, in an attempt to embrace this elusive quality of mine, I've chosen to post yet another of my nonsensical blogs on each thought which pops into my head. Today's piece will be primarily facts about me which I have been contemplating lately. Maybe by writing it I am hoping someone else can piece the ideas together and possibly understand the path that is my thought process.

Hello, My Name Is: m.e.l.y.s.s.a.

I was once in love with doogie howser (sp*)

Tonight has been a bad night for my lungs :/

As a result of a series of dramotional events, I have been trapped in my own mind lately.

I think I lack some anatomical pieces of my heart, necessary for remorse or possible caring.

I am overly critical.

I am brutally honest. I say things which would often hurt my feelings if directed towards me, but they just appear from my lips like weaves from a hair salon.

I am allergic to milk, and I fear the allergy has worsened ::laboring to breathe::

I love movies.

I am conceited.

I don't strive for success. I expect it.

I am vain.

I hate what I see in the mirror, but I cannot stop looking at it.

I have recently run into the "I don't fit in with the 'cool crowd'" feeling a few times.

I am growing weary of overanalyzing everything.

I am grossly insecure, especially these days.

I feel like I am up in the air, or in a waiting room.

I feel like everything is about to change...and there is nothing I can do but wait.

I am broke.

My lips burn from the milk.

My skin itches too.

I shouldn't have had cereal.

I gave in recently, and although I have been enjoying it...I know that it's not worth it.

I am tired of a lot of things in my life right now, and (going off of the aforementioned "waiting room" concept) I would really like to be in the next phase of my life already.

I feel powerless lately, and it disgusts me.

I am enjoying every moment lately, and although its sounds hypocritical, I have been having fun.

I have grown accustomed to being everywhere, all of the time, and I like it...I love it...

I wish I had a more developed sense of my musical style/taste.

I feel like if I had the money, I would have the greatest fashion sense.

I miss some people from my past. I miss my old life/lives a little bit. Well, a lot-a-bit lately.

I have begun reevaluating and am looking to slim my list of friends down a bit, in hopes of adding more to the [insert french word meaning collection].

I am ready for what's ahead, but not quite sure if I can wait...

Well, I hope you enjoyed story hour. Now onto Statistics homework.

Wisdom

Someone has recently coached me in the ways of happiness, someone who is wonderfully close to me. She is also quite similar to me in a number of ways, and was able to verbalize my theories but in words all her own, and I have since been enlightened to her wisdom. She was right, terribly so, and I am more than ready to take those steps toward making my own hapiness.

Also, I have butterflies in my stomach :] I had the cutest, most non-descript moment of life (or of the past two weeks or so) today, and I am glad to say that it has led to what may be an even cuter adventure ahead. I'm not giving any details for fear of jinxing or getting ahead of myself, but I must at least say how unbelievably giggly I am. Michelle knows what that means. haha

The friend dilemma has been solved. On a sidenote, I've never known how to spell dilemma. Dilema. Dilemna. Dillemma. Dillema. But I must digress. The friendship [problem] I had previously spoke of has been cleared of my mind. I have come to realize that I have been toiling over it's success just as I had in the past and there is really no point. I cared for that friend deeply, but he/she has become my new Tommy, and that isn't something I'm looking for. It hurts to let them go, but; Goodbye, it was great while it lasted.

The family, well, is the same. I don't understand why I am so often compelled to update on their behavior when they are merely a people of cycles, adhering to a monotonous agenda of happiness, anger, tension, forgiveness...and around again. So, I will only say that they are all in fine health.

Until another time, I will leave with......

1. I miss you Michelle-y.
2. Thank you Bryana :]
3. Kami, I have been more selfish than ever lately. You would be proud!
4. I am still distancing myself, but I have accepted it.
5. Work is getting better and better. And better.
6. I am not a robot, but a woman on a mission.
7. I want to go swimming.
8. I get paid in mere days.
9. I am still learning, despite my lack of a class schedule.
10. My arthritis is a beezy, but I'm learning to live with my disease.


"I love you more"

Taste.

So, I just reread my last post for the first time and have come to a realization...I should really spell check.

Also, Kami brought to my attention the underlying depression that piece gave when I actually thought it was a semi-hopeful entry.

Otherwise, I'm back to give updates on life since "Therapy".

My family is taking it day by day and we are seemingly coping with eachother's existence. haha. That is to say, we are being more patient with one another.

I'm skateboarding more. It's pretty refreshing and gives me time to think while burning up some calories.

Work is becoming comfortable, which is a great relief. And the managers have begun removing their white robes for more friendly uniforms, which is neat. Some of the servers still have a stick up their ass, but it is totally made up for when I find out I have tips at the end of every shift?? Oh yeah, it's true.

I am no longer an appropriate measure for the extent of my zombie-dom. I have been around work or my family for the past week or so, and normal human contact is limited, so I will say it's a sign of worsening withdrawal. My last skate sesh I found myself over the teacher/friend. Work is just a facade in itself and my smile is genuine, but for everyone else, not me. The 'rents and I are getting along well, which is never a good sign. And I'm apparently on the path to losing a friend, which was semi their choice, mostly my insecurity sparking theirs, but I would say both are equally at fault. My best friend is in Big Bear, for about 8 more days..and if I don't get a week from sunday/monday off, then I won't see her for 11 days.

Despite the disparing tones, I feel its all a step toward a happy future? I'm being optimistic? I'm Ron Burgundy?

Therapy.

I've come to many a realization as of late, and I've returned to this ancient account to unleash them:

I am a user.
I am needy.
I am insecure to the utmost extent.
I am an over-analyzer.
I am angry.
I am tired.
I am done.

I am not quite sure where to begin, but I feel the best place would be general updates.

SCHOOL-
I am sad to announce that I will not be taking summer school courses. I am even more reluctant to inform that I will not be rushing a sorority this upcoming fall either. The latter, being the more important announcement, was a more recent decision. I have come to terms with it though, and the idea that, if it is meant to be, then I will proudly boast the letters of an upstanding house one day. Until then, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am perfectly content with my involvement thus far, as well as the friends that I have acquired both inside and outside the Greek world, despite my mortal standing.
I am excited for the Fall though. I have been a chronic student my entire life, so obviously I'll be needing my educational fix sooner rather than later. I hope sooner. Otherwise, my lack of ASI has been less than ideal, but a bit refreshing. I am normal again, and have been thrust into the world of the everyday man. I am sleeping in, I am late, I am lackadaisical. It's different. I miss the outlet though, and the haven that the second floor had become. It was really easy to just say "I'm going to work" and head out to Fullerton for hours at a time. I'm acclimating though, don't worry.

WORK-
As far as work goes, having been a Student Leader for an extended period of time, with a staff of three and the power to say yes or no when I chose, I was blind sighted by the bitchwork of the normal world. I knew it existed of course, but I had not been forced to endure for sometime, making it sort of a fable in my world of employment. It's truly awakening being bossed around by a freshly aged 18 year old at a job that most any bum on the street could do, but it's my new life. Also, I've come to realize that all of the fallen leaders of the Klu Klux Klan took cover under the guise that is CPK management. Sure, they descend from a number of backgrounds, but the work ethic and approuch of one or more of them is far more severe than one would expect of the happy atmosphere. Nonetheless, it's a job. It doesn't hurt that I am surrounded by a number of successful businessmen and doctors at all time, though (marital bliss, here I come?). The first paycheck is in on the 10th. Let me tell you, waiting for that has proven to be more painstaking than a ho waiting for her pregnancy test results. I am OVER being broke.

FAMILY-
La Familia Perchez has been a little less than ideal lately. Most situations are less than the fault of it's members, but the area of life we've found ourselves in is horrid. I am done living with a family that is not my own, tired of eating from a kitchen which is not ours, and more than done feeling obligated and guestly in "our" place of inhabitance. The stress has been getting to the family, sure, but it hasnt gotten any easier, and apparently nearly a years worth of this quality family time is hurting our unit more than helping. My sister and I have fought more than we've ever even thought two relatives could, my mother has become my soul source of anxiety, and my Dad has become the outlet for all my resentment. Whatever though, it'll get better. I'm still just tired of waiting. Hopefully the economy will begin looking up, and apparently we're moving out sooner than I thought too. We'll see though.
Otherwise, my cousin whose appendix was stolen by Palm Springs has been returned home and she is on the road to recovery. And my lonesome trip back from the hospital was a big moment for me. I chose not to allow my anxiety to affect me and I was able to navigate my way home from the desert of death. My other cousins are less than neat at this moment though, I'll update on that another time.

FRIENDS-
I don't know if this section is appropriately titled. It should be entitled OTHER but seeing as how it is more about my outside relationships than anything else, I'll leave it.

I have been fighting for a couple weeks now an oh-so-familiar feeling of zombie-dom. Said feeling is one which I've become accustomed to in the past 15 years and one that I fear. My withdrawn outlook toward others and growingly carefree mentality is almost always followed by the step toward changing myself for the better and reassessing myself as a person. One fateful side effect has often been the removal of people from my life and the loss of relationships which are currently prevalent in my life. But I'll further explain this outlook which I've reacquired:
I speak less than I normally would, because I am thinking. I am not ignoring you or anyone, I'm simply contemplating the importance of the converstion at hand, the activity which I am participating, or the events of my day. During these philosophical periods, I am assessing myself and my reactions, wondering what I am doing in my everyday life which has made me into someone I don't want to be. I am less interested, because I distance myself. I question everything, whether aloud or simply to myself. I am less intrusive and choose to do more carefree and instantly satisfying things than working for something. I will not hesitate to do things without full participation from all parties involved and most times I will not second guess decisions. I hang out less and I definitely will not reach out unless first contacted.
I am writing all these things down in hopes of breaking the treacherous cycle that is myself. I have observed for a bit now and see that this problem is one which may hurt me in the end, though it has saved me up until this point. I have also been considering what it is that triggers the pattern and what type of person or situation causes me to lose interest. I have come to several conclusions:
1. I enter into relationships which I sense will inevitably hurt me. Solution-break off the relationship, change in order to prevent similar situations from occurring.
2. I lose interest in my surroundings, meaning that I am not taking full advantage of my time or abilities. Solution- find more or new things to do with my time. More importantly, revisit those things which make me happiest (i.e. reading, writing, drawing). I have come to find that those times when I am drawing less, I am less content in ALL areas of my life.
3. I REFUSE to need someone else more than they need me. I am not quite sure how to explain this, but once I sense that I am dependent on someone, or the moment that I feel like seeing a person more than I feel they would like to see me, my insecurities override everything else and I am incapable of continuing anything with that person/those people. If, for one second, I could possibly be asking for more than I feel that person would ask of me, I say goodbye or simply walk away and never look back.
4. I have never and will never continue a relationship with any person or people who have hurt me to not return. That is how my relationship ended with my first best friend and that is exactly how my last best friend was escorted from my spectrum of friendship. I am not one to tolerate very much, nor am I one to be fake to any extent. Both of those characteristics make it impossible for me to even choose to continue, for my morals would not allow it.

OTHER-
Otherwise, I don't know who I am right now. All I know is that, for once, I am wondering if I am too severe on myself and those around me. I have also made a conscious decision or five as of this evening.
(more numbers)
1. I will not give any advice on personal relationships or feel as though I should give opinions
2. I will no longer feel like I have to try in any of my relationships. Lately I have felt as though I had to be strategic when speaking to or approaching a situation, and now I just can't. It wears me down. And if a friendship or relationship or anything is going to work for my betterment, then it won't be something that I have to attempt at.
3. I will be more carefree, careless, brain dead, whatever. I don't want to care anymore, so I won't.
4. I will be happy.
5. I will be patient.
6. Most importantly, I will be me, regardless of how scary it may feel or how people around me may perceive me.

This is all just a warning, not a threat not a promise. It is simply something that has been on my mind and I am working diligently to fight the cycle, but will need understanding people around me in the mean time. Maybe I'll be out of the funk tomorrow, maybe when I have money, maybe when Michelle comes back, maybe never. We'll see.

I am getting closer and closer to loving myself, and I am ever-near the happiness that is bliss.


The end.

Ps. I will now be extending myself to more people and will work to create a bigger circle of friends.

Pss. HI KAMI <3

Ding.

So ladies and gentlemen,

I've returned to the glorious world of "blogging". So much has happened since my last post that I am not quite sure what I've said or forgotten, so we'll stick with my theme of random selection. 

We'll start with love:

I'll just come right out and say that singularity isn't my favorite, but it's got its perks. I've recently gone through three "interests" and am beginning to refine my searches based upon what I've learned. I've seen the physical interest come and go, I've said goodbye to possibilities of boys with cool hobbies and cooler personalities, and I've said peace to the indecisive. It seems that every new interest becomes closer and closer to what I actually want and now it's getting difficult. Sure, I'm actually spending time with men who are good for me, but my inability to be open makes it that much harder to let the good guys go. But, because of my skill in emotionless endings, I've found ways to do just that. I'm optimistic though, and I'm sure the best is yet to come.

School:

I can finally say that TTF is shaping up to what I've hoped it would be for so long. Not only are we being seen as a significant presence on campus, our voice is beginning to sound consistent. People are finally getting a firm grasp of what it is we do, and they like it. Programs and organizations are realizing all of our potential and I feel we've been taking advantage of it. Homecoming week is coming up as well. We'll definitely get an idea of what we've accomplished after that week is out, regardless of whether it all sucks or surpasses all of my wildest dreams. 

On a more scholastic note, my classes are way too easy. I've gone for 3 semesters trying to keep up and now I'm stuck in classes with teachers who are fresh off the line or others who are not even slightly interested in the subjects which they teach. Sociology is a joke, and my Chicano studies teacher is even less worth mentioning. Hopefully my lack of interest will not pose a problem though, because I NEED to get my gpa up this semester. 

Relationships:

The friend front is looking pretty satisfying lately. Not only have I strengthened my relationship with a lot of new people, I have found a couple who make me truly happy and comfortable with who I am. Also, I will be going to Canada with some pretty neat people over spring break and I couldn't be happier. I'm not quite sure anyone else would really add to the group dynamic than these 4 and I can't wait to spend a week with them.

Now, for those who know my shady past, I am currently fighting my own will and hope I do not fall back into my habit of releasing friends from my life. There are a couple of people who, although I care for them greatly, are putting me into a position which is all too familiar, and my reaction is nothing short of horrible. When I feel their presence is not adding to my life, I simply subtract them entirely. As I speak I am working so hard against my subconscious to ensure I don't let these ones go, because I know that deep down they are still the same people...it's just getting harder and harder to convince myself that they are worth the time/effort/fight. 

Family:

My 'rents and I are doing pretty ok. I'm still so unhappy at my aunt's house, but I'm sure it will all be over soon enough. I just want to move out here to Fullerton as soon as possible. I feel like the distance will help our relationships and that my close proximity to school will improve my grades. The freedom wouldn't hurt too much either. Either way, I'm just taking it day by day with those folks and hoping for the best each time. Besides, the more time I spend at school, the more my mother smiles when I come home. 

I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. I will work on something more in depth for tomorrow. Otherwise, night.

Stress.ssertS

So, I have done some self evaluation, with the aid of several people in my life, and come to the realization that I am a ridiculously stressed out person. I used to put it all on my anxiety ridden psyche, but have come to accept that stress is outside of my ability to handle stress, it is a horrible drug I've taken advantage of for too long now. I freak out and cause unhappiness which is the exact opposite of what I would like my life to be. 

Today, knowing all of this, I chose to be more relaxed and came to realize that everything still worked out. I don't need to scream like godzilla's coming just so I can get some work done. And, those around me seemed more comfortable as well. Today is a good day.  Also, my crazy 'rent is still crazy but not angry, so that's neat too. I have a car. It's still the symbol of brown pride I had before, but it is more mine. 

I feel like me again. I have money, at least some, friends who are neat, people who don't suck, and events that have a bit of a turnout. I have happiness and an understanding of math related things. I have parents and a brand new, fresh from the store niece named Nataly Izabella and I couldn't be happier. I am in love with this very moment. And the walk to the car yesterday meant a lot, even if it wasn't meant to. But maybe it was, because they told me it did. 

That last sentence was simply for myself to write down, you shouldn't understand it.

The only unresolved topic in my life now is the existence of my father, but that is another story that I can't fit into my thoroughly satisfied life. 

I can't fucking wait for Camp Titan. I can't wait to live, I can't wait to be happy like this forever. 

Peace and love...