not just yet.

Today I was given the gift of relation. I was able to see within another person my own self, and in doing so, I was comforted. It is rare that a person can see the perfect image of themselves in another's words, but in this particular situation, I was clear. Every doubt, every fear, every hope. Within this person I saw what I had once been, and ideally, what I could eventually be. As a result, I am certain that today's intellectual perspective has been the result of my current psychosis.

After sleeping for a mere hour and a half, I awoke to a new world. The day was cool, my tempermant was surprisingly mild for having slept so little, and the world was beautiful again. Then within the first few hours of wake, I encountered my first subconscious test, which was flawlessly surpassed by all involved, and left me with a feeling of utter gratitude. Not only had I proven myself wrong, for the negative, but those dear to me proved me wrong as well, but for the positive. Then, as I ventured toward the black hole that has become my institution, with one of very few people I consider dear to me, I found solace in her enlightenment. Feelings which I had been fearing for nearly two months now were reflected in her own thought process and it felt wonderful to know that my best friend was feeling that way too. In many ways I have relied upon her for comfort, and in this instance especially, she has been the support I needed.

Later, as I battled the onset of note-taking stupor, I felt a tingle in my fingertips that was all too familiar. The tingle progressed into a restlessness in my hands, and eventually an ache in my heart. Usual side effects of days possessing such beauty, I found myself with a pen in hand and a drawing on the page in front of me. To some the process may seem so menial in the scope of experiences, but it is one which is in a universe entirely it's own. When a drawing that is meant to protrude from you, it will, and it had been one that I had resisted for days. I was finally in a place that I could see the piece, and it was so. Instances like this are when I am most myself, when I see the most clear.

After leaving the newly found place of creativity, I ventured toward a place that had once been the pinacle of success. It had been the epitome of my hardwork and often served as the sword with which I took what I sought...my old office. There, within a freshly sparked kinship, I saw the aforementioned reflection. It was in that person that I was given sight and justification for each preceding feeling. The newly found confidence I had awoken with was suddenly deserved and never before had I been so sure of the path that I had take toward becoming myself. I was also more sure than I had ever hoped to be about my future in writing. I plan to write a 3 part series pinnacling my life and the events which served as landmarks in my journey. For those who have read any of David Sedaris' many works, one may have a slight understanding of what is to come. Sadly that is the only prelude which I can provide at the moment, seeing as I have yet to start and have no real idea of what is substantial and what is necessary.

With that I will conclude my midday update and simply write what I had realized last night during my slumberless attempt at rest...

"I could never draw all of these beautiful feelings, but I could spend my whole life trying."

"I feel most beautiful when I am singing, most peaceful when I am drawing, and most honest when I am writing."