Therapy.

I've come to many a realization as of late, and I've returned to this ancient account to unleash them:

I am a user.
I am needy.
I am insecure to the utmost extent.
I am an over-analyzer.
I am angry.
I am tired.
I am done.

I am not quite sure where to begin, but I feel the best place would be general updates.

SCHOOL-
I am sad to announce that I will not be taking summer school courses. I am even more reluctant to inform that I will not be rushing a sorority this upcoming fall either. The latter, being the more important announcement, was a more recent decision. I have come to terms with it though, and the idea that, if it is meant to be, then I will proudly boast the letters of an upstanding house one day. Until then, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am perfectly content with my involvement thus far, as well as the friends that I have acquired both inside and outside the Greek world, despite my mortal standing.
I am excited for the Fall though. I have been a chronic student my entire life, so obviously I'll be needing my educational fix sooner rather than later. I hope sooner. Otherwise, my lack of ASI has been less than ideal, but a bit refreshing. I am normal again, and have been thrust into the world of the everyday man. I am sleeping in, I am late, I am lackadaisical. It's different. I miss the outlet though, and the haven that the second floor had become. It was really easy to just say "I'm going to work" and head out to Fullerton for hours at a time. I'm acclimating though, don't worry.

WORK-
As far as work goes, having been a Student Leader for an extended period of time, with a staff of three and the power to say yes or no when I chose, I was blind sighted by the bitchwork of the normal world. I knew it existed of course, but I had not been forced to endure for sometime, making it sort of a fable in my world of employment. It's truly awakening being bossed around by a freshly aged 18 year old at a job that most any bum on the street could do, but it's my new life. Also, I've come to realize that all of the fallen leaders of the Klu Klux Klan took cover under the guise that is CPK management. Sure, they descend from a number of backgrounds, but the work ethic and approuch of one or more of them is far more severe than one would expect of the happy atmosphere. Nonetheless, it's a job. It doesn't hurt that I am surrounded by a number of successful businessmen and doctors at all time, though (marital bliss, here I come?). The first paycheck is in on the 10th. Let me tell you, waiting for that has proven to be more painstaking than a ho waiting for her pregnancy test results. I am OVER being broke.

FAMILY-
La Familia Perchez has been a little less than ideal lately. Most situations are less than the fault of it's members, but the area of life we've found ourselves in is horrid. I am done living with a family that is not my own, tired of eating from a kitchen which is not ours, and more than done feeling obligated and guestly in "our" place of inhabitance. The stress has been getting to the family, sure, but it hasnt gotten any easier, and apparently nearly a years worth of this quality family time is hurting our unit more than helping. My sister and I have fought more than we've ever even thought two relatives could, my mother has become my soul source of anxiety, and my Dad has become the outlet for all my resentment. Whatever though, it'll get better. I'm still just tired of waiting. Hopefully the economy will begin looking up, and apparently we're moving out sooner than I thought too. We'll see though.
Otherwise, my cousin whose appendix was stolen by Palm Springs has been returned home and she is on the road to recovery. And my lonesome trip back from the hospital was a big moment for me. I chose not to allow my anxiety to affect me and I was able to navigate my way home from the desert of death. My other cousins are less than neat at this moment though, I'll update on that another time.

FRIENDS-
I don't know if this section is appropriately titled. It should be entitled OTHER but seeing as how it is more about my outside relationships than anything else, I'll leave it.

I have been fighting for a couple weeks now an oh-so-familiar feeling of zombie-dom. Said feeling is one which I've become accustomed to in the past 15 years and one that I fear. My withdrawn outlook toward others and growingly carefree mentality is almost always followed by the step toward changing myself for the better and reassessing myself as a person. One fateful side effect has often been the removal of people from my life and the loss of relationships which are currently prevalent in my life. But I'll further explain this outlook which I've reacquired:
I speak less than I normally would, because I am thinking. I am not ignoring you or anyone, I'm simply contemplating the importance of the converstion at hand, the activity which I am participating, or the events of my day. During these philosophical periods, I am assessing myself and my reactions, wondering what I am doing in my everyday life which has made me into someone I don't want to be. I am less interested, because I distance myself. I question everything, whether aloud or simply to myself. I am less intrusive and choose to do more carefree and instantly satisfying things than working for something. I will not hesitate to do things without full participation from all parties involved and most times I will not second guess decisions. I hang out less and I definitely will not reach out unless first contacted.
I am writing all these things down in hopes of breaking the treacherous cycle that is myself. I have observed for a bit now and see that this problem is one which may hurt me in the end, though it has saved me up until this point. I have also been considering what it is that triggers the pattern and what type of person or situation causes me to lose interest. I have come to several conclusions:
1. I enter into relationships which I sense will inevitably hurt me. Solution-break off the relationship, change in order to prevent similar situations from occurring.
2. I lose interest in my surroundings, meaning that I am not taking full advantage of my time or abilities. Solution- find more or new things to do with my time. More importantly, revisit those things which make me happiest (i.e. reading, writing, drawing). I have come to find that those times when I am drawing less, I am less content in ALL areas of my life.
3. I REFUSE to need someone else more than they need me. I am not quite sure how to explain this, but once I sense that I am dependent on someone, or the moment that I feel like seeing a person more than I feel they would like to see me, my insecurities override everything else and I am incapable of continuing anything with that person/those people. If, for one second, I could possibly be asking for more than I feel that person would ask of me, I say goodbye or simply walk away and never look back.
4. I have never and will never continue a relationship with any person or people who have hurt me to not return. That is how my relationship ended with my first best friend and that is exactly how my last best friend was escorted from my spectrum of friendship. I am not one to tolerate very much, nor am I one to be fake to any extent. Both of those characteristics make it impossible for me to even choose to continue, for my morals would not allow it.

OTHER-
Otherwise, I don't know who I am right now. All I know is that, for once, I am wondering if I am too severe on myself and those around me. I have also made a conscious decision or five as of this evening.
(more numbers)
1. I will not give any advice on personal relationships or feel as though I should give opinions
2. I will no longer feel like I have to try in any of my relationships. Lately I have felt as though I had to be strategic when speaking to or approaching a situation, and now I just can't. It wears me down. And if a friendship or relationship or anything is going to work for my betterment, then it won't be something that I have to attempt at.
3. I will be more carefree, careless, brain dead, whatever. I don't want to care anymore, so I won't.
4. I will be happy.
5. I will be patient.
6. Most importantly, I will be me, regardless of how scary it may feel or how people around me may perceive me.

This is all just a warning, not a threat not a promise. It is simply something that has been on my mind and I am working diligently to fight the cycle, but will need understanding people around me in the mean time. Maybe I'll be out of the funk tomorrow, maybe when I have money, maybe when Michelle comes back, maybe never. We'll see.

I am getting closer and closer to loving myself, and I am ever-near the happiness that is bliss.


The end.

Ps. I will now be extending myself to more people and will work to create a bigger circle of friends.

Pss. HI KAMI <3